I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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