A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm just crazy horny about you
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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