We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Randomize
