Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
