I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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