I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
