wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize