(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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