I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
