Already got asked if we're dating
if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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