I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
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