you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
