There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
