I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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