if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
