I think my fart just growled at me.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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