I got chris browned last night
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
