Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
