It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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