I can't watch pbs sober anymore
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
