They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
