I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
