I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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