No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
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you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
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She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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