Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
as a side note pls kill me
Randomize
