I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
