Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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