Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Apparently you make a good broom.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
