Girls should come with a carfax report
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
