from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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