He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
