A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
