He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
