The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
