All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
