Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
