it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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