I faked an abortion last night.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
