first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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