I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
