Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
