if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Small penises have feelings too.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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