Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
