I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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