My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
