Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
