I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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