I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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