oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
