I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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