ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
