I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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