After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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