My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
