you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
