Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
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Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
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We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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