Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
