I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
