i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
